How to Talk to Your Partner About Porn

Being together does not mean you have the same expectations about porn. Silence leaves both people guessing.

Here's how to talk to your partner about porn when you want clear boundaries and have never discussed them.

How to talk to your partner about porn: start gently

Choose a private time when neither of you is rushing. Ask:

“We've never talked about porn. I'd like to understand how you feel and share where I stand. Is now a good time?”

Describe your concern without judging their character. The Gottman Institute recommends stating your feelings and needs without blame.¹

If you watch porn, be honest about that. Do not disguise a disclosure as a hypothetical question.

Ask what each of you means

“I'm fine with it” can hide very different expectations. Ask specific questions:

• What feels acceptable or unacceptable to each of us?
• Do paid content, direct messages, or live interactions change that?
• What would we want the other person to tell us?

Listen before answering. Acknowledge what you heard, even when you disagree.

A qualitative study of 146 people found varied experiences of these conversations, including unequal vulnerability and conflicting values.² It did not test a script that guarantees agreement.

End with something you both understand

Write down any agreement in plain language. If you disagree, say so and choose a time to revisit it.

Neither person owes consent to porn use, surveillance, or sexual activity. An agreement needs a willing yes from both people.

If an existing agreement was broken, start with the facts. Our relationship guide covers disclosure and rebuilding trust.

If you fear threats or retaliation, seek confidential individual support before starting this conversation.